PSYCHOLOGY OF JEALOUSY

Orlin Baev

web | Transpersonal psychology. Sacred sexuality

I remember once my mother was delighted by our little dog, a poodle, and used to say: "Here it is, it is just like a man, it cannot only speak!" The little dog "loved", i.e. it showed strong devotion and "cried", when there was nobody at home, it was jealous when somebody hugged his householder, defended its territory when it was eating in the same way people defend their territories in the form of a boy-/girlfriend, business, etc. Then I thought seriously: who looks like whom? Whether the animal looks like a man or vice-versa? Whether feeling like jealousy, envy, devotedness, acceptance for love, aggression in behavior, territorial instinct, instinct for self-preservation, sexual feeling, etc. are purely human feeling and are they human at all? Whether we know what is human in us?

According to the paradigm of integral psychology, we, as people, are put together from two pats: developing human, put into a body of a mammal. And this body, on its turn, bears all lower waves of manifestation of life in it - such as brain structures and emotional stimuli and drives. We are coercively connected to the animal - we are guests inside in it - these are our bodies!

Jealousy as Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

Sometimes one witnesses fits of strong uncontrolled jealousy, which reaches to the point, in which it turns into aggression towards the one who experiences this emotion, as well as to the object of jealousy and the third object, because of which he/she is subject to jealousy - no matter if he/she is real or completely hypothetical ... Aggression, which has nothing to do with Love (the supreme one), even to love (the human one). This is one strongly oppressive and depressing all feeling, which literally obsesses the one who feels it and makes attempts to obsess also the object of jealousy. Essentially, it is a mere and direct energetic attack to the object of jealousy and one, who is more sensitive, feels it, even from distance.

Last night I thought about jealousy and I compared it to the obssive compulsive disorder (obsessive neurosis) - the same mechanism! The non-transformed sexual drive (non-transformed into higher manifestations and aspirations) is pushed to the subconscious, where it forms a stable complex, one alter ego, which has its own life, noncompliant to the sense and independent of intelligence, education, culture... This purely animal, by it nature, complex, pushed away in this way, adopts repeatedly larger power, because it acts from the sphere of subconscious, usually not realized by the average person. What is this complex? A strong impulse that has turned into the typical animal territorial feeling - defense of the own territory - and this defense does not takes into consideration any moral or ethical conditions. It is pure aggression, desire for tearing apart of the rival, for the rudest imposing of the own territory, which has nothing to do with humanity! In each of us, the animal lives and has its own role. The thing that is important is to be able to bridle this animal, to harness its impulses, to sublime them to their higher equivalents. Not to fight with them, but to re-direct and refine them by passing them through the sublimating mechanism of self-consciousness and direct them to our superconsciousness, to the real humanity in us!

Jealousy and Freedom

Each of us is glad to be subject to jealousy to some extent - this is a manifestation of attention, care, presence of the other with thought and body ... but only to some extent. When jealousy turns into uncontrolled, painfully compulsive passion and aggression, presenting as a permanent characteristic of our partner, then its obsessive power and depressing oppression become obvious. Then it turns more or less into medical condition. Generally, inherent to all of us and playing definitely a good role in the friendly and family relations, maintaining the morality and unity in the couple, if it is within normal boundaries, the moment it exceeds them, it turns into a dangerous burden and a heavy load for both of them.

One cannot close his/her partner in a cell without windows or on top of a tower (although it often happened in human history), cannot forbid him/her to communicate, develop professionally, keep friendly relations with people...

I think the solution is exactly the sublimation of jealousy. When one is internally centered, things change radically. Then, when we have developed the belief in life, i.e. in ourselves, when we have approached at least a little to that internal center, then we automatically project this belief to our partner, too. How to believe your partner? By believing in yourself! The more we try to limit someone, the more he/she will strive to get rid of our control! In order to have a good relationship with someone, we should leave him/her free and believe him/her unquestioningly - then he/she will love us with all his/her heart, will be true to and honest with us! If a bird stays with you, because it is in a cage, is it true to you? Set it free! If it returns, this means that you really belong to each other! If it does not return - it means that it has never had that inner thread of love and trust, which to connect you both.

One Story

I was burning with jealousy and there was a reason ... Some time ago I just wanted to sleep with the woman and when I got it, I did not care very much if she did it with somebody else. I mean, I did it myself. Afterwards, in the course of time, I began to change and value the physical fidelity. I dated the same woman. I had a lasting relationship with her. When I insisted on being loyal to each other, she apparently agreed with me and did not give me any reasons for being jealous, but she cheated on me behind my back, when she had any chance. Exactly a chance - for fun - in order not to lose the chance...! But, frankly speaking, it also happened to me sometimes. The most unpleasant for me was hiding. I do not like to hide and to be cheated, I prefer the truth, whatever it is. But people do not understand this! Later, I worked on ships for a while. There were less women. Then, for the first time, I changed my attitude towards women. Until then I had an extremely high opinion of women in general - after three years on ships and the contact with these women, I changed my opinion to the opposite. The come on the ship - neither beautiful, nor smart - but only after a month, due to the enormous attention towards them, they turn up their noses. They start to choose - of course, they prefer the officers! And I was not such - I strongly needed tenderness, which, because of not obtaining it, turned into hatred ... It was a great lesson. Since then, my attitude towards women is much more real and adequate - I see them in their real light, without the veil of Goddesses, which I had put on them before that!

Afterwards, I lived for about two years in a spiritual place, where chastity was respected - it was very hard for me, but I understood the value of such a life and I did not give up. There I began to date girl, who was my guest for two weeks. I fell in love with her as a schoolgirl - I fell head over heels in love with her. When she went away, we kept a telephone relationship, E-mails, each day, long love letters. However, after the second month, the letters became less.. She attended salsa dancing and danced with the black boys. She told me not to be jealous, because there was no a reason - she just had fun, she was just happy, and to happy for her... One night I did not sleep at all, I felt her clearly, I felt her down there, literally physically and at an energy level, I was torn by a severe jealousy. I was tearing myself into parts and castigated myself for not being able to cross the boundary and go to her. I planned to do it illegally, at night, through the mountains. Good for me that I gave up - it did not worth it. On the next day I called her and I asked her how she was, what she had do the previous night? She said: "Well, nothing, I had guests - a boy from Arizona - he came specially to see me. We met at salsa dancing... well, we did it, big deal, well... he was a kind of firm, and intelligent." She spoke to me, and I pretended that nothing had happened... Afterwards, days on end, I suffered as if in hellish fire, I went to the forest to cry and kick the pines. Later this happened again with the same guy, then with a second one, then with a third one... I was burning, because I loved her madly, despite everything. Months had to pass before I got well - but it was on its place - in order to be able to overcome something, you have to drain the glass! I immunize myself quite well and I decided: never again! I do not to be jealous any more, no matter what happens - man is free; he/she is not a slave of ours! I, personally, am jealous when sexuality is involved - an action or even only a feeling. If we manage to experience sexuality qualitatively differently, at a stronger and finer level, as Love, it is transformed into Love towards the wholeness, Love as a principle, then jealousy does not exist any more - you are over it! There is no sense to blame anybody - first of all, the reason for jealousy is in us!

From now on, in my life, I have taken the decision not to cheat, to be Faithful at each level - and as I lead such a life I expect the same from my partner!!!

Genetics and Upbringing in Setting Predisposition to Jealousy

There are whole peoples, who are known to be jealous and vindictive. Cultivated generation after generation, these qualities become part of the genome of the nation! Jealousy is most frequently handed down by family relation, by Oedipus attitude, i.e. Through the upbringing of children, but most frequently directly, through the so called in psychology internalization! When parents - one of them or in the worst case - both of them are too jealous, quarrel with each other, emanate this nasty thing in the space. Children directly adopt everything, even if they do not hear it physically! They feel everything at a fine level! This creates them an emotional matrix of behaviour, which they apply in their lives unconsciously - they try to repeat the acts, feelings and life situations of their parents, grandparents and even further back. Something more - the thoughts and emotions of the parents materialize and get more compact with children. They strengthen!!! If they are bright, they get brighter. If they are heavy and low, they become worse and at one level they go down to the body, somatise and turn into desease with children. The thought of the parents turn into actions and physical qualities of the children! Because children are their fruits! Jealousy, by the way, goes together with infidelity - the one who is jealous is pushed by his/her jealousy to infidelity - as revenge. It also urges the object of jealousy to infidelity - in this way jealousy prospers and is fed! Jealousy directly makes you ill if it is strong and continuous. Most frequently the one who is jealous gets ill, and if he/ she is stronger, the illness transfers to the object of jealousy, because it is a direct aggression and energy attack against Love - the love between two people and love in general. Jealousy, taken alone, is an intrusive neurosis. At an acute form of jealousy, imagination turns into psychotic hallucinations and the difference between them and reality in the mind of the one who is jealous gets vague! Furthermore, jealousy can directly "hit" the heart or the kidneys, or the liver, or the gall - it depends where the weak place of the one who is jealous or of the object of jealousy (if he/ she undertakes the hit at an energy level) is!

Jealousy really has nothing to do with Love and is for good only in homeopathic doses - by 1 mg - so much as to know that we are animals. But, does in life happen exactly so?

Jealousy as a Result from Uncertainty

Does somebody have to put him/herself in a cage and avoid communication? Doesn’t he/she have to work? Does he have to communicate only with people from his/her own sex? Jealousy, if in small doses, is normal - it is part of the animal, in which we live. But if it is excessive - it means that the animal rides the animal and not vice versa!

Very often jealousy exists mainly because of the proneness to it! In this way, it only poisons the life of the one who is jealous and of the object of jealousy! And it incites him/her to adultery, because this feeling appears to be ambivalent. It requires simultaneously loyalty and at the same time it incites to adultery - purely at energy and mental level! This is a kind of magic - you send someone very powerful, supported by strong passion (jealousy), thought! You imagine how he / she cheats on you, you see it in your mind! And accordingly, this thought lays on the sender, and incites him / her unconsciously to the suggested action, emanated by your mind!

Jealousy is a sign of the so-called in the psychology "uncertain attachment" or "emotional undifferentiation". Such a person, in his/her childhood years, most probably, did not receive enough love and unreserved faith in his/her abilities. Jealousy is a sign of weakness, dependence and uncertainty. Attract the other with you vitality and calmness, with your inner balance and confidence. Only this will make someone stay with you. If you are jealous, if you are constantly looking for his/her mistakes, you project into him/her your own uncertainty and imbalance. No matter how much someone loves you, some day he/she will get fed up with it and he/she will escape, or at least he/she will emotionally withdraw!

© Orlin Baev
© Galina Markina - translated from bulgarian
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© E-publisher LiterNet, 29.12.2010
Orlin Baev. Transpersonal psychology. Sacred sexuality. Varna: LiterNet, 2010.